Full of Love

So, yeah… I’m a little embarrassed by my absence. Forgive me? If you’re still out there. 

These past two months have been crazy. Crazy good. Crazy happy. Crazy stressful. Crazy everything. In a nutshell, we’ve done interviews, we’ve stressed about interviews, we’ve not gotten jobs, we sold our house, we had to agree to move out of our house without knowing where we were going to live (with a 5 month old), Allen got a job in Minnesota at about the last possible second to make moving home a reality (he got the job – two weeks later we moved. TWO. WEEKS.), I have been working part-time for KU and being a part-time stay at home mom, more interviewing, this time success and job has been acquired! 

Allen and I feel that we may be the luckiest humans on the planet. We sold our house without trying or it being on the market. Allen got his dream job (working at a malting company running an experimental lab). Several weeks later I got a job that is absolutely perfect for me: working in higher ed but doing work to ensure educational equity in the Twin Cities. We got our dream car, a 2010 subaru outback (yeah, yeah… it IS a little sad that is our dream car, but… so be it – it’s not a freakin’ minivan. Yet.). And now we are fortunate enough to begin looking for a house in this city that we love. 

And, the best part is that we’ve done this all while getting to watch a tiny human become his own little being. In the past few months Henry’s personality has really begun to show. He is an incredibly silly, social, and intensively curious little man. We adore him. 

Last week, Allen and I shared with one another that in the beginning (probably through the two to three month mark) we said we loved him. We told him, we told one another, we told others. And we meant it. We did love Henry. But we loved him in the “we created this and I feel a huge sense of obligation to protect and nurture him” not the “holy cow I’m overcome by how amazing he is” kind of love. For us (and it’s not like this for all parents, of course), it took a while to realize how totally cool he was. And maybe it just took him awhile to be cool. Snuggling, limp, warm babies are their own kind of cool, don’tgetmewrong. But, smiley, laughing, tongue-sticking-out, raspberry blowing, bababamamama-ing, hair pulling, head burying baby boy is SO. MUCH. BETTER. 

I will admit to, on many (MANY!) occasions, feeding Henry right before bedtime, watching his little eyes flutter shut and shock open (over and over), staring at his little, perfect, soft warm hands rubbing his gigantic, amazing, sea blue eyes, grunting in total contentedness and I just get overwhelmed with how much I love that little person.  And then I let tears fall down my face while I wear the proudest, most ridiculous grin. 

This baby listens to us. When we call his name he looks at us. When we stand him up on the changing table after changing his diaper he gets this absurd and intense smile, right before jump squatting and launching himself into our shoulders, mouth wide open, ready to take a bite out of whatever his mouth lands on first. This baby is so much fun. It makes us excited for whatever is next. For crawling. And walking. And talking! OH THE TALKING. I seriously can’t imagine how hilarious that is going to be. Right now I can’t see all the things he’ll say that will infuriate me – the sassiness, which he will certainly have because I am his mum – I can only see all the hilarious things that he’ll say that will have us rolling on the floor in stitches. And I imagine what his little voice will sound like when he calls for me. 

And then I think of the tortured way I’ll feel when he calls for me while he is sick or sad or scared. But I’ll be his person. And Allen will be his person. And we’ll make things okay for him. Or help him to learn how to deal with life when things just aren’t okay. 

I am so excited. And so full of love for both my boys. And these past two months have been hard, and we’ve struggled, and we’ve been stressed, and we’ve been sad, and we’ve lost, and we’ve missed. But we’ve had one another and that makes everything perfect. 

And that’s why I stopped blogging – I’m not funny anymore. I’m too much in love with everything around me to be funny. And that’s the truth. 

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